Breathe in..1...2...3...Breathe out...repeat
Repeat as many times as it takes to relax
The guy that came to give us the pump for the fountain (disabled by the landlord) which has become a breeding haven for mosquitos despite the best attempts by the resident fish and frogs arrived. He speaks no English, but ok...my driver is here and he can translate. He wants to empty most of the water, oblivious to said frog and fish and the green slime growing. Nor is he remotely interested in the fact that I have 2 puppies who get into everything.
Breathe in..1...2...3...Breathe out...repeat
Repeat as many times as it takes for your sense of humor to return
No! I reply in haste, I will give you buckets - my driver translates. I scramble around to find as many empty receptacles to hold the disgusting water as I can find. Only to return to the fountain guy holding out a phone and waving it wildly at me as his assistant frustrated by the delay begins pouring the putrid water across my grass.
Breathe in..1...2...3...Breathe out...repeat
Repeat as many times as it takes for you to calm down
The phone is thrust into my hands and is a maintenance guy from the consulate whom the vendor has called to complain about how I am being unhelpful and preventing them from doing what they need to do.
Breathe in..1...2...3...Breathe out...repeat
Repeat as many times as it takes for you not to want to throttle someone
After receiving a rebuke that I am preventing the vendor from doing his job, I explain what is actually happening...and then...the breathing stops working. I can feel my horns growing, my talons elongating and my fangs springing into place...Gone is the relatively rational, albeit sometimes snarky middle-aged, heavy-set woman who can deal with most things in stride...in her place is an extra from the Exorcist.
Breathe in..1...2...3...Breathe out...repeat
Repeat as many times as it takes for you to form a plan
Did this guy just call and tattle on me to my “societal Daddy?” Yes...yes he did. He decided that I couldn’t possibly know my business and more importantly I was preventing him from doing his business....
Breathe in..1...2...3...Breathe out...repeat
Repeat as many times as it takes for you implement your plan
This time the breathing works. In concise and succinct words I explain to the maintenance guy exactly how the boundary has been crossed, especially in light of the vast myriad of things that have remained broken and un-repaired around here. Further that I was not in need of a father. Then I turned around and had my driver tell the vendor to return all the water from the various buckets to the pond and get out off my yard.
Breathe in..1...2...3...Breathe out...repeat
Repeat as many times as it takes for your blood pressure to return to normal...this may take a while...you may want to sit down and have a nice cup of tea.
